Dearest Jacob

My Dearest Jacob,

Sometime in the next week you should be turning two. So much has happened in the last two years, but everyday I miss you terribly. I see your sister growing into a beautiful young woman, and making me and your father crazy on a daily basis, and I wonder how different the world would be if you were here. We just finished a huge move across the country. Would you have been fussy during the drive, or would you have been smiling and playing with Becca in the back seat? Would you love the beach as much as I do? Would you have your father's adventurous spirit? Would you have my red hair, or would you look more like Daddy?

In the two years since you were here, I got sick and had to fight to stick around. Little one, you probably would be a fighter like Mommy too, I'm sure. I won my fight, but at what cost? It is very possible that you, my dear one, could be my last. That saddens me more than anything, but I know you were needed among the angels with your brothers. I wonder if you were there to greet Poppy when it was time for him to go home too.

A few days ago, while we were unpacking some of the boxes in the bedroom, I found the bibs Daddy got for you when he was in Boston. When he saw me tears, all he could say is "I'm sorry". He wants so much to protect me from the pain. Just like him to do that.  But, honestly sweetheart, I don't want him to protect me from it all. I don't want to have to pretend that I am ok all the time. Most of the time I am, but there are times I'm not, and you know what? That is ok too. I don't ever want to forget my short time with you, even if it comes with some pain. Pain is just part of life. You can't have the good without the bad. I don't like it when I have to act like you were never here. Just because you never got a chance to breath the same air as I do does not mean you weren't here. I don't like it when mother's look at me and ask me why I only have one child. Part of my heart wants to yell at them and say I have four, but I can't be mad because they don't know. How could they? I try not to be angry or bitter at the cards I have been dealt, because there is much more good than bad. Of course, like everyone, I have my moments. I am not perfect by any means. No one is. The only thing I can do is try everyday.

I love you, little angel.
Mommy

Not a good day...

As many blessings as I have in my life, and today I am missing the three I don’t have. Feels almost ungrateful.  I have a beautiful daughter that lights up my world every day. But today, I am having a hard time shaking my losses.

Sometimes, my anger and bitterness boil to the surface. Three special people in my life will never be acknowledged. Three people that changed my life drastically, but no one else know. How can that be? They are three of my children.  They touched my life, and left before they could be born.  I should have a 14 year old, a 10 year old, a 5 year old, and a 3 month old. Don’t get me wrong, I love my 10 year old daughter with all my heart. She is my joy. She is smart, funny, and so loving. Every day she wakes up and comes into my room to wake me up and cuddle before she has to get ready for school. . I feel like I’ve been deprived of the joy these three children would have brought to my life. Maybe it is because my daughter is so wonderful that I feel even more robbed. Now, it looks more and more like she is the only one that the world will know.

Even after 15 years, I am still grieving. I don’t think that will ever change. I still want to yell at the top of my lungs. I want someone to acknowledge that these kids were real, and that they were loved. To my Michael, Jeremy, and Jacob… I loved you from the minute I knew you were there, and I will miss you for the rest of my life.

Introducing..... Me! ;-)

Well, for those of you out there who want to know who I am... I am a mother, a daughter, a grand-daughter, and a sister. I am a girlfriend, a best friend, a lover, and a confidant. I am a student, a co-worker, and an employee. My days and nights are fairly routine, and probably not unlike millions out there. I wake up and try to get my sleepy 8 year old out the front door in time for school. That by itself is a miracle some mornings. We deal with the normal issues of not wanting to wake up and “Mom, I don’t want to wear that”. It is not unusual to hear “Ouch” coming from the bathroom when I brush her extremely long and tangled hair. “Mom, where are my shoes?” and “Mom, I need lunch money” are common morning phrases uttered at the front door. Then off to work I go, mainly to sit behind a desk and talk to people about their money… oh the exciting life of a bank teller… (You can hear the sarcasm in that statement, right?) I leave work and pick up my daughter from school or from her father on those rare occasions when he decides to help out. Then home to make dinner, help with homework, house cleaning, laundry, and the hundred other little chores. Needless to say, a majority of them I don’t get to, but I will get to them eventually, I promise. Bedtime is another frenzy of activity. Getting Becca into the bath is never really that hard to do… getting her out, on the other hand, is a whole different story. She loves to play in the tub, and I have to tell her multiple times a night to get out of the tub and into her pajamas. When I finally get her into her bed and she is quiet for the night, it is time for me to hit the books. I got a late start in college, thanks to a string of bad decisions, but what is the saying, “Better late than never”? I am working on getting my bachelors in Accounting, which is made more complicated by my schedule and the inherent challenges of online courses. Many nights I have dozed off at the computer or in a text book, just to drag myself to my room and crawl into bed.
Now things are pretty good. I feel like I am headed in the right direction for a change. I haven’t always felt this way. In fact, this didn’t happen until almost two years ago. As I mentioned earlier, I have made my share of mistakes. I am not an angel by any means. I allowed others to make my choices for me, and stuck my head in the sand when things got hard. Do you want to know what that taught me? Hiding from problems doesn’t make them go away. Wow that is pretty obvious, isn’t it? Well, ok putting it into practice isn’t as easy. I guess I finally got to a point when I looked at my life and I got tired of making excuses and wondering why I was so unhappy. It finally sunk into my somewhat thick head that I needed to get up and DO SOMETHING! (wow, another obvious point, right?)
I am extremely lucky though. I got out of a bad marriage with most of my sanity. I have a beautiful daughter who keeps me on my toes and makes me laugh every day. I treasure the little moments when she still crawls up in my lap and winds her arms around my neck. “Mom you’re the best” warms my heart every time she says it. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love with all my heart, and who loves me just as much. He loves my daughter just as much as he loves his own son, and I am truly blessed for all that. It is hard because we are apart right now because of work issues... yeah, gotta love the military. We keep saying "soon", and I can't wait until it is for real. Long distance relationships are hard, but ours is very strong. He has taught me so much in the time we have been together that I really can't imagine going back to the life I used to live... and so from the ashes of my old life comes a new beginning.... lol