Dearest Jacob

My Dearest Jacob,

Sometime in the next week you should be turning two. So much has happened in the last two years, but everyday I miss you terribly. I see your sister growing into a beautiful young woman, and making me and your father crazy on a daily basis, and I wonder how different the world would be if you were here. We just finished a huge move across the country. Would you have been fussy during the drive, or would you have been smiling and playing with Becca in the back seat? Would you love the beach as much as I do? Would you have your father's adventurous spirit? Would you have my red hair, or would you look more like Daddy?

In the two years since you were here, I got sick and had to fight to stick around. Little one, you probably would be a fighter like Mommy too, I'm sure. I won my fight, but at what cost? It is very possible that you, my dear one, could be my last. That saddens me more than anything, but I know you were needed among the angels with your brothers. I wonder if you were there to greet Poppy when it was time for him to go home too.

A few days ago, while we were unpacking some of the boxes in the bedroom, I found the bibs Daddy got for you when he was in Boston. When he saw me tears, all he could say is "I'm sorry". He wants so much to protect me from the pain. Just like him to do that.  But, honestly sweetheart, I don't want him to protect me from it all. I don't want to have to pretend that I am ok all the time. Most of the time I am, but there are times I'm not, and you know what? That is ok too. I don't ever want to forget my short time with you, even if it comes with some pain. Pain is just part of life. You can't have the good without the bad. I don't like it when I have to act like you were never here. Just because you never got a chance to breath the same air as I do does not mean you weren't here. I don't like it when mother's look at me and ask me why I only have one child. Part of my heart wants to yell at them and say I have four, but I can't be mad because they don't know. How could they? I try not to be angry or bitter at the cards I have been dealt, because there is much more good than bad. Of course, like everyone, I have my moments. I am not perfect by any means. No one is. The only thing I can do is try everyday.

I love you, little angel.
Mommy