Not a good day...

As many blessings as I have in my life, and today I am missing the three I don’t have. Feels almost ungrateful.  I have a beautiful daughter that lights up my world every day. But today, I am having a hard time shaking my losses.

Sometimes, my anger and bitterness boil to the surface. Three special people in my life will never be acknowledged. Three people that changed my life drastically, but no one else know. How can that be? They are three of my children.  They touched my life, and left before they could be born.  I should have a 14 year old, a 10 year old, a 5 year old, and a 3 month old. Don’t get me wrong, I love my 10 year old daughter with all my heart. She is my joy. She is smart, funny, and so loving. Every day she wakes up and comes into my room to wake me up and cuddle before she has to get ready for school. . I feel like I’ve been deprived of the joy these three children would have brought to my life. Maybe it is because my daughter is so wonderful that I feel even more robbed. Now, it looks more and more like she is the only one that the world will know.

Even after 15 years, I am still grieving. I don’t think that will ever change. I still want to yell at the top of my lungs. I want someone to acknowledge that these kids were real, and that they were loved. To my Michael, Jeremy, and Jacob… I loved you from the minute I knew you were there, and I will miss you for the rest of my life.